My oldest is eleven and a half. He is so smart; I am in awe. He started 8th grade yesterday. This is a new school, and he only knows a few people. I hate that he had to change schools again, but 8th graders aren't known for being the most understanding and kind people in the world. I didn't think a traditional middle school/ jr. high situation would be best for a young, brilliant kid. So far, I think my husband and I made the right call.
Speaking of my husband, this week, we celebrated 14 years of marriage. That is a lot considering how short relationships are these days. I got married when I was only 19 years old. It was insane. My mother told me so. She wanted me to wait a full year, but also didn't want me to have sex before marriage. We made the right decision. We only dated 20 weeks before we were married. Yes, I was a virgin on my wedding night. Not too many people can say that with pride. Not many people care. It isn't sacred in our culture, and that is sad.
Monday night, I put on my best running shoes and rode along with my trail running friend to my first trail running event in about 15 years. My trail running experience ended when I left Camp Redcloud in Lake City, Colorado the fall of 1999. I didn't think I would ever do it again, even though I loved it.
The air was hot and thick with smoke, but I wasn't going to chicken out. I have been training on my treadmill but the trails have rocks, which my treadmill lacks. My ankle tripped once, but I didn't go down. I am a well-conditioned klutz. I didn't fall too far behind at any point. I stayed within the first half of the group. It wasn't easy. I forgot how to run and drink water at the same time. That must have been hilarious for the people running behind me. I felt like a turkey looking up at the rain.
It was awesome. As we headed back, an osprey had caught a large fish in the river. The fish was so large the osprey struggled to get it into the air. I tried to get a picture, but the bird became indignant that it had an audience and finally flew away. The half dozen of us just stood there impressed we got to see something so amazing.
(This is a photograph of an osprey, not the exact one we saw, but I plan to use the experience as a way to convince my husband I need a new camera phone).
Half way into the trail, with the dust, smoke, and trees, it hit me, the trail smelled the same as in Colorado in late summer. I had to smile. That was a happy thought. Long before the beaches of San Clemente, my happy place was on the side of a mountain.
It has also been seven years since I struggled with my mental break. As I mentioned, I was diagnosed with Post Pardum depression in 2007, after giving birth to my youngest. He ate 20 hours a day. I co-own a business with my husband with no employees. I still had a job to do, even if I was plugged into a baby half the time. It will wear you down. I never recommend this to others. Always hire help when you have a medical procedure, or deliver a baby.
I didn't just "get over it." I had hours of counseling. I had to show my husband how to do parts of my job so I could rest when I needed to. I hid the shame of what I had done because I was afraid of what people would think. Some people are weak and need to break down others because they are broken themselves. Fight back with faith. Fight back with hope. Fight back with speaking up. They may talk about you behind your back, but you are above that now.
When I started shedding the "this is who I have to be" image and started being myself, and challenging myself to do new things, I overcame a battle with depression. I have been off anti-depressants for two months now. My doctor and I agree that I can go back on if I need to in the future, but my head feels bright, happy, and free.
I run when I start to feel down. I push myself beyond the 20, 30, 40 minute mark and before I know it, I have run close to two hours. The rush of endorphins is better than any drug on the market. My body feels the pulse of energy, and I can look at myself in the mirror and be satisfied (mostly) with what and whom I see. When I run, I force myself to see myself strong, beautiful, and full of life. When you are full of life, death will flee. When I run, I pray. My body HURT for the first four months I ran, and my lungs felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen. Now, it is a chore to get to the "peak" performance level, but once I get there, it is like I am given wings. God will give you the strength and courage you ask for.
Injuries, and body types may prevent you from running, but don't let it prevent you from getting moving. Start small. I would walk/ jog when I first got my treadmill for 20 minutes at a time. I couldn't do any more without my knee hurting. Finally, the knee healed and I picked up the pace to a brisk jog at 5 MPH. Last month, I was able to kick up the pace again to 6.5 miles an hour. Make no mistake, progress is slow.
Healing cannot be quick or it may not last. Go for slow, steady progress and refuse to let your mind think negatively. I say this out loud when those dark things threaten my progress, Philippians 4:8 "Finally, friends, whatsoever is true, whosoever is noble, whatsoever is right, whatsoever is pure, whatsoever is lovely, whatsoever is just- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think on these things. Whatever you have received from my words, or seen in my actions, put it into practice. And the God of Peace will be with you." If you are not necessarily a Christian, then use the first part as a mantra. Do not allow one ounce of negative to be thought. You do have control of what you CONTINUE to think on. The dark thought may pop by for a visit, but show it the door by repeating the verse above. Then go for a walk, play with your kids, call your friend, or eat some expensive dark chocolate. Take captive your thoughts so they do not take you captive.
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