Technically, the year was hard. I did all the normal "mom," "wife," and "daughter" duties but without a Mom to call it's kind of like walking on your knees. You can still function, but it's not nearly as easy.
I started "really" running in January. Before that time, I only ran when I was pissed or missing Mom. Okay, I ran quite a bit. It's my get away. It's my good pain. It's my health.
When I found out Mom had lung cancer, I would go visit her and run on the trails near her home. It was my way of feeling the pain she was enduring. I would journal about what was going on. Sometimes, the humor came in waves. Sometimes, pain hit like a ton of bricks.
My husband and I went through changes as she got sick and subsequently passed. We fought a lot. I didn't know how to get over what I was feeling and he wasn't a whole lot of help sometimes. As it turns out, he couldn't handle the loss either.
We found a way to peace though pain. I don't recommend it; but for us, we have the deep understanding that divorce isn't an option. We love each other. We drive each other crazy and make each other extraordinarily proud. We are a unit. We believe family is the root of all we do. This makes us strong and able to overcome unbelievable odds.
I have two wonderful little men. They are taught to be responsible, well-educated, and able to make thought-out decisions. I am raising the next generation, and I don't have much time to do it. I know I don't do everything right, but I am proud they work around my weakness.
My little men had a hard time losing Grandma. I forget this sometimes. I lost a Mom, but they lost a Grandma. Grandma's are sometimes better than Mom. Mom has a lot to do, where as Grandma can drop everything and listen to you and your one hour story. No one can fill that hole. I have had to allow them to grieve differently than I did. That sounds weird, but it's true. We all deal with loss differently.
I started writing a book shortly after she died. It was my way of preserving what she wanted to say, and preserving our relationship. I miss her every day. Above all though, I am thankful for the time I had.
When I cross the line at my second race tomorrow, I will be crossing for the both of us. I am running for https://lcsnw.ejoinme.org/MyEvents/JuneBugFunRun2014/PersonalFundraiserSignupFundraising/tabid/524852/Default.aspx?joinme=34594 the June Bug Fun Run, which benefits abuse victims. The first time I ran, I did so for childhood cancer. Both causes are near to my heart. I have lost much, but found that in pain, faith is found. I don't wish away the hurt, nor the loss. I am an extremely blessed woman.
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